Survivors are actually smart
It's one of the traits that attracts the abuser in the first place
It can be easy for a survivor to spend the first moments of reflection after exiting an abusive relationship or abusive situation believing they are stupid. Just stupid.
How dumb were they to go along with the nonsense? How stupid were they to stay for as long as they did? How brainless were they every time they accepted an apology or willfully walked on eggshells or did their best to navigate next-level chaos over and over and over again?
But, survivors aren’t stupid. Not at all. Not for staying. Not for hoping for a better outcome. Not for playing along.
Survivors are smart.
They are successful, attractive, sociable, friendly and generally just well-liked human beings. These traits, the ones that define their personality, their professional stature and their social orbit, are the very ones that attracted the abuser in the first place.
Why?
Because the type of people abusers are looking for are the type that would be labeled as a “catch.” They want someone who will make them look good. And feel good — triumphant. Like they scored.
They also latch on to other qualities, including generosity, empathy and loyalty. But, as a survivor myself, I never found myself questioning those characteristics once I got out.
I never said, “Why was I so empathetic? Or so generous?” I always, always, always wondered how I could have been so stupid. I would even remind myself how smart I was, and then wonder how someone so smart could have been so dumb.
Succumbing to the mindf*ckery that is emotional abuse isn’t a matter of intelligence. It’s about becoming a victim of the slowest, most drawn out blindside possible, which I discussed in an earlier newsletter.
Survivors are projects for abusers. What begins as a vibrant, lovable, infectious being slowly evolves to a hollowed-out version of a human bearing little resemblance to who the person was at the outset.
That’s the project.
Finding and catching someone, breaking them down little by little, and then using the vulnerabilities that have been created as leverage for control. Finding someone who is already empty or broken or unsuccessful is hardly a project worth starting, in the eyes of an abuser. Where’s the joy in conquering that?
The real challenge, the one that produces the most coveted chaos, is when an abuser finds someone so smart and prosperous and attractive that their reputation provides cover for any questionable mishaps on the part of the abuser — and there will be a series of questionable mishaps.
Because a smart person wouldn’t be involved with someone that actually did the horrible thing, would they? A successful person wouldn’t get tangled in something as grotesque as what was supposedly going on, right?
Scoring a catch allows an abuser to inject plausible, external doubt into almost any situation. Think about it. How many times have news reports involving domestic violence included absolute shock from neighbors or community members?
They never thought something like whatever happened could happen. And some of the reasons they “never thought” whatever happened could happen are because a survivor is smart, because a survivor’s reputation covers all sins for both parties and because the abuser has worked tirelessly — using intimidation and threats — to ensure that the survivor will not expose unsightly and insidious scenes within the relationship.
Apply that formula as needed to any abusive situation. At work, within families, on the campaign trail — like I discussed previously.
There’s definitely an unspoken playbook. I’ve seen it, time and time again, in the work we do at For Your Record — a non-profit offering financial support for survivors — and in heart-to-heart peer counseling sessions I’ve been involved with when friends reach out to find support for themselves, a family member, a friend or a co-worker.
Mindf*ckers are recognizable from a mile away once you know how to spot the hallmark behaviors. And, once you’ve survived one, it’s that much easier to see. Because whether they like it or not, mindf*ckers teach us their ways. And we take those learnings with us as we move forward.
Pretty smart, right?