How anyone thinks straight as they are starting to unwind themselves from the mindf*ckery they’ve endured is one of the world’s wonders. And I’m not even joking.
Life, as it always does, continues — even as an individual’s world is flipped on its side. While leaving a dangerous and abusive intimate relationship, you still have to get to work. Kids still need to be fed. Dogs need to be walked, cars need maintenance, bills need to be paid.
There is no grace period for that kind of stuff.
And on top of it, the person you’re leaving is in all likelihood not having it. At all. And it’s unfair to minimize the emotional pain that comes with any break-up, even if the relationship was messed up or abusive or manipulative.
It’s still a break-up. Expect heartache.
But, since statistics indicate that the most dangerous season of an abusive relationship is the time when the person being mindf*cked decides to leave, it’s vital that anyone making that move do a few things to improve their security and protect their sanity.
Here’s a handy checklist, based on experience. If you don’t need it, it’s possible someone you know might — since abusive relationships are experienced at an alarmingly high rate.
Get a new email account. 👍 I don’t care how long you’ve had the other one, get a new one. A free one, like gmail. Do it immediately, maybe even before you leave. If you want to, have the previous email address forwarded to the new one. It’s easy, and I’m not even techy. But it’s imperative, when leaving or planning to leave, that you have a secure inbox.
Switch up your passwords. 👀 Ignore pet names, important dates or any other conventional passwords that might be easily accessed. I came up with one for myself that would never be breached by the person I was leaving.
Create your own accounts. 🙌 Separate yourself from any shared accounts, to include cell phone carriers (this is HUGE and should be a PRIORITY), Life 360 and other location tracking apps, Apple accounts, streaming accounts, bank accounts, utilities…everything. Like, everything. Get yourself removed and start your own. Abusers like to use those accounts to track your activity or generally f*ck with you (ie. they may change the address on statements hoping you may miss a payment). Get this in order as soon as you can.
Change your locks. 🏠 This is less expensive than you may think, and certain organizations may cover the cost if they know it’s for a domestic abuse survivor. At the same time, change any passcodes for keypads that allow entry into a garage.
Lock down your social media. 🗝 For the immediate future, turn your social media channels to “private.” And, protect your “Friends” list on Facebook. If you don’t want to go totally private, be sure to block certain users, such as your abuser and his or her family members. I’d also advise modifying your social media activity, especially if you are an immediate sharer. It’s best, for the time being and maybe forever, to wait to share where you are and what you’re doing until you’re done doing it or visiting a certain place. Don’t give away your location as easily as you may have in the past.
Use your village. 💛 Let your neighbors know what’s going on, so they can keep an eye out for suspicious activity near your residence. Let your friends and family know what’s going on so they can be there to support you. Inform your employer in case court dates interfere with work, and in case they need to keep an eye out for suspicious activity at the workplace. And, accept the help you may be offered from domestic abuse organizations, victim’s advocates, law enforcement and the courts. They are there to help you, even if you think others have it worse than you do. Remember, you’ve been mindf*cked. It’s probably worse than you think.
Establish a code word. ⚠️ My neighbors and I used my back porch light as a signal, but victim’s advocates encourage survivors to establish a code word or phrase that can be used in conversation should the need arise. Choose something that won’t raise suspicion, but clearly signals things are not okay and you need help.
Install security cameras. 🔦 This comes with an expense, but not as much as you might think. Even if you start small, with just one camera, it gives you more visibility than you had previously. And, if something goes wrong, it’s recorded. They seemed invasive for me at first, but soon became a lifesaver.
This may seem like a lot. I know. I started this whole thing by recognizing how overwhelming this whole thing is — the decision to leave alone is monumental. So, don’t do all this at once. And don’t even expect yourself to. But do a few things as soon as you can, and bit by bit, build your security.
Security isn’t only beneficial for your physical safety. It’s important for your mental well-being. Feeling safe, after not feeling that way for some period, provides a level of comfort that is hard to quantify.
If I had to rank these by importance, it would be changing locks and securing communication. They’re critical.
What did I miss? Let me know! I’d love to know what other survivors think is vitally important to a fresh, safe start. And, if you know someone who may benefit from this information, please share it with them, safely.
You could always say, “Look at this interesting thing my friend wrote” and send it along. Or something less complimentary — ha.
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