Is this what breaking the cycle looks like?
Maybe.
I had a moment as I walked alongside her in the parking lot of the third-party DMV joint. Pride? Yes, I was proud of her — she just passed her driver’s test, a day after turning 16. Wistful? Maybe, at how fast time is moving.
Honored? Yeah, I think that’s the word. That’s the emotion, along with the other two.
I felt honored to have been able to be with her, to share in the joy of the moment, without hearing shitty side comments from someone who isn’t supposed to be making shitty comments.
Like what?
No one was there to call her stupid. And that’s where the honored part comes in. Because she made a decision all on her own, months earlier, to remove that person from her life.
So in this moment, as she beamed and offered to drive me and my husband home, I remembered — just briefly — the scene from six months earlier, when she brought her then-boyfriend along with her to get her permit.
Besides calling her stupid, right in front of me, he chose to hijack the moment and storm out of the offices, waiting outside the building on the sidewalk until we were done. As if her rite of passage was imposing on him.
I remember tearing up as I apologized to her months later, after another unsettling incident, for not speaking up in the moment. I’m her mom, therefore I should never let someone talk to her like that — ever, but especially in front of me. Like, what did he say when I wasn’t around? I wondered. And I found out later. I’m still finding out, bits and pieces. And none of them are pretty.
I knew there was more to the story. As a survivor myself, you know that what you share with others about your relationship is never the full picture of what is actually happening. You can’t share it all, because, what does that say about you?
It goes back to the dark spiral of feeling stupid, which I wrote about previously. You feel dumb for being in the situation you’re in, and leaving it will come with even more self-doubt thanks to the deluge of insults you’ll receive from the person you’re leaving — not to mention the retaliation that will come as a result.
But her ability to finally recognize the behavior, and horrible patterns that were developing, as something that was unhealthy for her gives me pause to this very moment as I write. Is this what breaking the cycle looks like?
I think it might be one example of it, yeah.
Breaking something offers a connotation, at least to me, as a hard stop. So that’s possibly why I wonder if the cycle is actually broken with her, or if it could rear its ugly head again, in someone else she meets.
But, I’m skeptical.
You don’t come through something like that, see the bare ugliness, and not remember it. Not let it burn into your soul. Not let it stay with you so you can reference it in the future.
I can say with 100% certainty that I will never let someone insult her in my presence again, without speaking up. And I’m almost certain she will never tolerate someone calling her names, storming out of our house, slamming our front door, squealing away from our house, returning a few minutes later and then trying to walk right back in.
Because, that happened. My hands were shaking as I locked the front door. My knees were all gooey as I stood there and stared at the door, knowing he was behind it waiting to be let in, calling her to let him in.
“I locked the door,” I told him when I finally had the emotional reserve to briefly open the door. “You’re done.”
Things continued after that scene, but not for long. And when the continuing stopped, when she chose herself over “them,” we were somewhat prepared for the backlash. Not entirely, but we’d seen a few of the cards in his hand and knew there would be some retaliation.
With everything I have, I am hopeful that this experience — as weird and painful as it was — broke pieces of the cycle enough that it is now irreparable. Because, as someone who can empathetically look back on the time I spent and lost trying to tolerate the intolerable, I’d be eternally grateful if she never has that reflection for her own life.
Her time, even as a teenager, is a precious gift. And only people who deserve it should receive it.
And, speaking of time, Arizona has done something amazing for survivors with its new Kayleigh’s Law. The law would offer survivors of certain crimes to obtain what amounts to a lifetime protective order against their abuser or assailant. Kayleigh’s Law is the first of its kind in the entire country.
Bravo, AZ. 👏 Learn more about it here.