5 Tips To Cope With Presidential Abuse

Every. Single. One. Of. Us. Is going through it.

Remember how we all went through a collective trauma during the COVID-19 lockdowns? That trauma was documented and recognized as a real thing. Because a pandemic is no freaking joke.

Well, we’re being collectively traumatized again, because the person elected to lead this country is instead inflicting abuse on the American people. Strategically. Intentionally. Without remorse. And without regard.

“Hey, Lis. Like I think you’re cool and all, but you may be going too far with this whole abuse thing,” you might be saying to yourself.

I’m not. Tens of thousands of people lost their jobs over the past week, without warning. Untold number of agencies and organizations that do the work the government doesn’t want to do or can’t do were stripped of their funding.

More jobs lost. We’re talking thousands upon thousands. Aid deferred, lives at stake, our reputation as a nation carrying now a distinctly shitty aroma. So much has gone sideways in two weeks that people can’t even keep up with it.

Like, the fact that our president is actively furbishing a detention camp for migrants is barely being discussed. Because, tariffs and unconstitutional financial moves and threats against allied countries and bizarro cabinet nominations and Musk’s boy band gaining unfettered access to the country’s checkbook.

He wants it that way, guys. Because he’s an abusive individual. And chaos is an abuser’s best friend. It’s the only way they know how to live. Take it from me. I’ve lived through it.

And by living through it, I’ve developed some coping strategies. Five to be exact. Maybe they’ll be helpful in some way right now, to elected officials and the folks at home watching this play out. I learned to rely on these while breaking free of my abusive ex. And this president’s deeply flawed personality, perhaps in a clinical way, is identical.

So much so that it’s triggering. And I know I’m not alone in feeling that way. So, to help us keep our heads above water and create healthy boundaries for our mental wellbeing, here are five ways to cope when an abuser is in your life.

Learn What To React To

This is the most vital element of self-awareness, and the most difficult to implement, when dealing with an abusive individual. They want to get you in their game. They want you to play, to engage in a never-ending dispute that they started and are hell-bent on winning. They need that attention, which is why they’ll throw anything they can at you.

But guess what? You don’t have to play.

Learn what you actually need to react to. Analyze statements or actions first before allowing your gut to react and then sit back and figure out if you have to respond. Most times, you don’t. In the situation of an abusive ex, we’re talking about insults or empty threats or manipulative mind games.

For me, when dealing with my abusive ex, if it didn’t involve the immediate safety of my kids, I didn’t need to engage. So I didn’t. Simple as that. And it’s so freeing.

As a U.S. citizen unsettled by the endless stream of bullshit coming from this administration, analyze what should actually be allowed to rattle you. Give whatever he says a little time to work itself out. Yes, he is unchecked. But he’s also notorious for lying, saying things that will never come to fruition and starting little fires and then pretty immediately hoping for applause when he puts them out.

Tariffs, anybody?

Sometimes his tantrums don’t yet deserve the energy of your outrage. Store it. You’ll need it for the most important things.

Go Outside

This one was huge for me when I was navigating the exit from my abusive marriage and as I worked through an equally-distressing period of post-separation abuse. The need to disconnect is massive. So massive it’s actually being prescribed by doctors.

Like, go outside. Take a walk. Listen to birds. Find a trail. Ride a bike. Run, swim, meditate. Whatever.

Getting out reminds you there are things that are exactly what they claim to be. This is vital when parsing out manipulation and threats. Like, a mountain is just a mountain. It won’t fool you or try to undermine you or be anything other than the mountain.

Abusers don’t know how to do that. They’re always posturing to be something other than exactly what they are. Being outside firms up the earth beneath your feet in the most reassuring way possible.

Find Your Village

When I was trying to figure out life after my marriage, and also trying to stay safe from a person who had no respect for boundaries or law enforcement, I couldn’t imagine leaving the community I had been a part of for years. It was my literal village and the people closest to me filled out my figurative village.

I had a front-porch-light signal with a neighbor. My kids knew they could count on those nearby to support them if they needed it. And one neighbor knew any time a car that shouldn’t be on our street was on our street.

In these times, whether you’re leaving an abusive ex or metabolizing the trauma of being an American under this current elected leader, find that kind of village. And nourish it.

The kind that will send you memes. The kind that will take a walk with you, vent with you, look for solutions with you, share moments of hope with you. Just like I did when leaving an abusive ex. Just like we all did during COVID.

The folks who dropped rolls of toilet paper at my door? I see you. We’re nothing without our village.

Keep Being You

I said over and over again, to myself and out loud and even in writing, that I didn’t want the circumstances of my life to change me. They did. For the better. And I had to surrender to that.

But what I meant was, I didn't want to become vengeful. That’s just not in me. And I didn’t want it to find its way there, just because of what I had been living through — the near constant terror of never knowing what was on the horizon and a legal system that requires a kind of patience I didn’t know I had in me.

I also knew that my kids were hearing things about me that just weren’t true. Awful things, to shape a narrative. That may have been the hardest thing to deal with, and it was one of the reasons I had a difficult time understanding what I should react to (back to that first point).

But being you is the best course of action. Not even a “when they go low, we go high” thing, but an honest commitment to being exactly who you are no matter what.

That applies to elected officials who are appalled by the actions this administration has taken and it applies to the person leaving an abusive marriage. Being you keeps you centered. It confirms to everyone around you that you aren’t the bad guy, despite an outwardly contradictory narrative by the person doing the abusing.

And, it gains traction. It takes time, because an abuser wants to be in control of the story, but quietly — when you’re still the you you’ve always been — conversations start happening and realizations are made without you having to do anything other than being you.

It’s not you. It’s the other guy. And by “other guy,” I mean our current president. Just wait. People will notice. Even the ones who voted for him.

If you give an abuser enough rope, they will tangle themselves in it so comically they won’t know how to get out. And the ruse is up.

Show Up When It Counts

It took me several months to have the courage to show up to a court hearing, but I eventually did it. And when I did, I was thanked by the judge, because when crime victims attend hearings, it gives those hearings more weight.

You become the face to the name. The face to the crime. The human behind the abuse. Once I did make it to a court hearing, I never missed another one. And there were…a few.

When it comes to this moment, of living through a historical season where democracy is on its back on the mat listening to the referee in the ring count to 10, showing up is the only thing that matters.

Sharing facts. Protesting. Becoming more involved locally, with elections and other organizations in your community. Mobilizing. Making calls. Voting.

I think the biggest thing is understanding how we got here, understanding that this moment was years in the making — and we’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg — and making sure your local representatives have your interests at heart, not the interests of billionaires or their own egos, is critical.

Know who you’re voting for. Like really know. And hey, if you’re a racist who wanted to see democracy stripped down to the studs, well done.

We know how to rebuild it. Even those who have lived through abuse can be pieced back together, often better than they were to begin with.

Because they’re stronger.